Ask me what's on my mind randomly and I could probably write you a novel.

Ask me what's on my mind randomly and I could probably write you a
novel.

I hate this with a passion. These thoughts, these dreams, the past
experiences are going to be the death of me. Reassurance? Not
applicable. Comfort? Not available. What will it take for me to get
some help? I don't wanna continue to feel like I do, but everytime you
leave, it's always something new. I don't know how to quite feel
inside, but I can't stop the voices in my mind. My head is banging
with sharp thoughts of the future. They are crashing against the walls
of my head like lighting and thunder. I wanna talk to you but when I
want to, I can't get the words out of my mouth or they are either too
inconveinent to release. I want to be a better person for you but the
transition is hard. But I'm afraid if I don't, it will be too late. I
just want release, reassurance and comfort. Maybe even love and care.
But the person I am prevents the acceptance. Letting me know I may
never be whom I want to be. Unfortunately. I'm sorry. In advance. For I am and will be. Hopefully not remain. I wanna change for you. Cuz you need me to. Or I may lose you.

via iPod touch... XD

You know what's fucking wrong?

You know what's wrong? You really wanna know what's fucking wrong?
What's wrong with me is the fucking fact that when I wanna talk, ou
weren't able. NO ONE WAS. And if you were, you were high and drunk.
And which is why I hate talking to you because you have the shortest
fucking attention span. I almost killed myself that night because no
one listened. Now people think I'm crazy. And when I'm mad and
venting, you make me feel crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if you told
your friends and family about my issues. Im sure EVERYONE thinks I
need help. But then I blamed myself because you should have fun and be
happy. I shouldn't drag you down with it problems. I've realized I'm
very bipolar. Very much so. Because I'm here alone and mad and jealous
of everyone who's out having fun because I have no one. But then I
blame myself because I know whatever I am doing, no one deserves. And
it sucks. And when I'm like this, I do dumb shit. I have a strong
feeling something happened or will happen that I'm not aware of. I
have this sick gut feeling. It's driving me more insane then I am.
Here I am venting to this electronic piece of fucking paper and I
realize that it's the only one that let me talk and actually listened,
will never judge and actually understands my pain. I'm furious.
Because more days pass and more I realize that the people I'll be
friends with and trust in the future has become a single number. If
I'm correct, I'd be lucky to have 1. I've realized so many things and
learned so many lessons that it's overwhelming. And I get upset. I'm
thinking that God is punishing me. For what? Idk. Maybe not remaining
who I was or being who I wanted to be, or acted to be. I'm just sick.
I've endured so much in a short period of time it's killing me softly.
I wonder how someone so truthful can talk so much about an individual
and smile in someone face the next. I wonder how someone who says they
will always be there picks the perfect week to not do so. I wonder how
someone can assume so much and lie so much that they believe it. I
wonder so much shit. I'm upset and idk what to do with it. I need help
and I admit it. I need therapy. I'm tired of crying every hour and
crying when I go to sleep. I'm tired of this bad feeling in my
stomach. I'm so tired and I have no one. I'm alone and lonely.
Physically and I realize now, mentally and emotionally. You still
wanna know what's wrong?

Sent from my iPod

I need to fucking vent. But I don't know to whom. I could say I'm fine
but I'm not. I dont usually want to talk. Sometimes I'll just say
that. Sometimes I want to be forced to talk because I usually won't do
it voluntarily. If you know me, you should know talking helps me. But
it's only affective when you care. Care enough to give help and
reassurance. But this week, one of my worst weeks, no one did. I feel
more insecure, sad, mad, depressed and more I can't explain. I don't
know what to do. I can't stop crying. I have a horrible gut feeling
that something happened or will happen. I haven't eaten. I haven't
slept well. I'm losing my mind. All I want is for someone to be here.
Cuz literally I'm lonely. No one here to talk to, or ones that will
care anyway. No one to hang out with to make me feel better. I have
horrible thoughts and dreams and nothing I do is helping. I helped
many people remain happy this week, even while I was at my worst. Why
am I still down here then? Why couldn't anyone really help me in
return? I don't know what to do. I call on God but I don't know if
he's ignoring me or sending me signs I'm totally oblivious to. But the
devil fucked my mind up this week. And this is my result. Realizing I
need therapy and maybe some Prozac. I WANNA BE MAD. AT SOMETHING. AT
SOMEONE. But I'm mad at myself. I guess in some ways I was pretty
pessimistic. And I might be now. But deaths in families, realizing
that the real friends you thought you had weren't real at all, being
18 years old and restricted from everything, having family members not
support you, missing the important days of your loved ones lives, and
etcetera (and I mean etcetera I just don't feel like writing it all)
is pretty much to drop on someone all at once. I diagnose myself with
depression. Because ain't no way in the world crying multiple times a
day and hyperventilating through out is normal. And realizing that the
ONLY one who you thought cared the most had the shortest attention
span while going through this didn't help. Damn I thought that venting
on here would help. But I'm still crying..... I cry out for help
through statuses and who cares other than to be nosy. I'm convinced
that I should stop telling people my problems. 20% don't care and the
other 80% are glad you have them..... *sigh* fuck it. I'm hopeless.
All I ever asked for was hope, reassurance, guidance and care. I'll
never ask for it again.

Sent from my iPod

Idk

I don't even know what to do anymore. As each day passes, I feel more
insecure. I can't seem to kill this voice in my mind, but thats the
only way I could end this strife....any advice?

Sent from my iPod